No Promises/Printers as People

A sagacious fellow once told me that blogs that are one's personal opinions, categorically detached from following a series of events or chronicling the minutiae of everyday life, just don't have the stamina to survive.

He is right. The Smug cannot compete, but that much is known.

All sorts of efforts of seriousness behind, what the fuck is the score with printers?

The printer is truly several living things at once: the emotional parent, the ungrateful child, the pet that always needs to be walked, the expensive date, the uncooperative flight attendant who won't give you the full ginger ale rather than pouring you half a cup of it, and so on down the litany of aggravating persons and things any human encounters.

It's always something with your printer.

Imagine it bursting into tears of embarrassment when it runs out of ink mid-document, just like a mother in a weak moment, say, after you graduated in the bottom 3% of your high school class" "RICHIE! I NEVER WANTED YOU TO SEE ME THIS WAY! RUN TO OFFICE MAX AND FETCH ME A NEW BLACK CARTRIDGE!"

You might picture a similar scenario when there's a paper jam before the first sheet has even been printed. "DAD! Fix IT! Fiiiiiixxxxx itttt!! You said you would! Every other printer in school doesn't have to have the paper feed button pressed all the time!"Come to think of it, this tableau resembles the pet that always needs walking, only instead of the child whining incessantly, it's "Barkbarkbark BARK BARK DOGS DON'T KNOW IT'S NOT BACON!"

The printer as the expensive date is the printer I've been involved with the most since I could plug the serial cables into my Fischer-Price dot matrix printer. Which is a lie, since those did not exist. Nevertheless, the expensive date has plagued me to this very day, reaching its apex during my first couple years of college when I absent-mindedly (or retardidly, if you prefer to be inconsiderate) used a Dell printer. Dell printers, in essence, are the technological equivalent of a young lady who refuses to gargle anything with Perrier after she Listerines. Or claims to be allergic to any purse but a Coach. I am making this up. I am not an expert.

The Dell printer uses ink like a Hummer uses gas climbing up a 90 degree angle with the air conditioning on full blast. I once printed out directions on Mapquest using my Dell printer and I only got halfway to my destination...because the printer ran out of ink. Thankfully, my Dell printer and I broke up unceremoniously this past year, thanks in part to years of ignoring it and also due to a pseudo Geto Boys moment with the side of my parents' house.

The HP I got in its place has been much better, but instead of the expensive date, I'm now in a relationship with the uncooperative flight attendant. I'm lucky if I print anything on my current printer, much less receipts, concert tickets, or even the pictures of Danny Tamberelli I printed out for my "Ginger Former Child Stars" advent calendar I'm giving to all my friends this holiday season. "I'm sorry, sir, no .pdfs today. We don't have the time for it," the printer will say. "Try those Amazon.com invoices another day." To me, the uncooperative flight attendant is the most aggravating of all of these archetypes I made up on the spot fifteen minutes ago. You're paying this person for a service, and when you're perilously hanging on for dear life tens of thousands of feet up in the air with nothing but an empty cup and a dated SkyMall, you want a sycophant catering your your every whim, not somebody stonewalling you about ginger ale.

You bought the printer. It should print whatever you want it to print. That's all.

I have to go buy printer ink.