Thanks for the Toll Quarters, Toni Collette

An advantage to having an elephantine memory is that it enables one to exploit those who pay little heed to the meaningless minutiae of popular culture. So, to be candid, when I see the opportunity, I pounce on it.

Some weeks ago I was challenged that the female character in the Amityville Horror remake alongside Ryan Reynolds was the same woman as the lead female character in the Sixth Sense. I knew this not to be true, but eventually escalated the bet from $5 to a cool $50 before iMDB settled the score as it does with most 21st century bets. I won. I settled for $3.50 in quarters. Thanks for the toll quarters, Toni Collette.

This eventually has something to do with the meat of this entry.

SPOILERS: I AM TOTALLY GOING TO RUIN THE SIXTH SENSE FOR YOU. IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN IT, IT CAME OUT IN 1999 AND IT IS NOW 2007, SO THERE IS NO REASON FOR YOU NOT TO HAVE SEEN IT. ANYWAY, I WILL KEEP GOING.

Recently, I jumped head first into another empty pool of maturity: paying for my own cell phone bill. Now, most of the readership might assert that they have been doing so for a while, and blah blah I suck at life. Well, that could be true, and maybe the big boy pants have been put on a little late for me when it comes to this one, but don't go on and tell me you're 22, completely self-sufficient, and not miserable. So, I bought my own cell phone and I subsequently died in the process.

The plot now merits that I provide a brief overview of my personal history with cellular telephones:

1999: Received a Motorola Talkabout.
2003: Received unknown Motorola flip phone.
2004: Lost phone in freak accident involving a sewer drain and torrential rainfall. Replaced with Nokia 3530. Cracked screen of Nokia 3530 the next day. Replaced with same brand/model the next week (the story behind this is not fit for this blog).
2005: Received unknown Motorola flip phone, switched from Alltel to nSUCKOs.
2006: The Fountain Incident of 2006. Replaced Motorola flip phone with Motorola V710.
2007: Replaced Motorola v710 with LG enV. Switched from nSUCKOs to Verizon.

The point to all of this is that throughout this checkered cell phone past, I have retained the same number. In eight years, that has not changed. I attempted to stay the course and keep my number as I changed to my third provider.

And then I died.

How did I die?

In the interim while waiting for my number to be ported from my old phone to my new phone, I received no phone calls or text messages. No messages I sent were granted responses, and all of my phone calls went straight to voicemail.

M. Night Shyamalan? Is that you?

Wow, it's suddenly Philadelphia, 1999.

Whoa, is that you, Donnie Wahlberg? Why are you wet and in your underwear? OH MY GOD THAT'S A GUN OH MY GOD OKAY REALLY DUDE CHRISTIAN BALE HAD NOTHING ON YOU WHEN HE LOST ALL THAT WEIGHT FOR THE MACHINIST REALLY PLEASE JUST DON *KABLAM*

Man, I thought I was gone for sure. But you know what, still no one responded to my communiques. I asked several parties about my texts and calls and none were received. They would be lost in the ether forever. And yet, my phone still made calls and sent texts. But to where?

I'm fairly certain Haley Joel Osment isn't part of the Verizon network headed by that mysterious bespectacled gentleman. Yet, driving on Sunday night, I felt his presence. And again Monday afternoon after work. Finally, he showed his face. When he did, he said:

"I see you're roaming."

So I tried to make a call.

"Your call cannot be completed as dialed."

OKAY, THIS IS A REALLY GOD AWFUL VISION. REALLY, HALEY JOEL OSMENT? THAT'S IT? I'VE REALLY HIT ROCK BOTTOM HERE.

At least that's what I thought.

In the end, it turns out that I have two phones. Neither work. What a life.

PS: Bruce Willis was killed by Donnie Wahlberg.